The Purgatory of the Soul

There will always be what can only be described as a "hole" in my life and existence. Although I go through the motions of each day, performing spectacularly, accomplishing more than most others ever do throughout their lives, my center or core, feels empty, useless, and unloved at all times. I feel no satisfaction from accomplishments, no real connection to any human beings, no desire for food or sleep, no happiness (or even sadness) whatsoever.

Normal emotions are somehow always blunted, as although I laugh at jokes, watch movies with others, eat with others, live with others, go on picnics, to games, shopping with others and all the other mundane enjoyments of life, I am still somehow "apart", locked in a purgatory of the soul. To actually feel and enjoy to the fullest the simple things in life, I would have to let down my guard. And this is impossible. If I let my guard down, all the "nasties" of my former life creep in and I'll be shown to be the charlatan that I am; an imposter in a world of real people.

My basic emotions are only skin deep, as I learned early on that to really "feel" and really "enjoy" only left me open to ridicule by my parents. The further withholding of things I loved and enjoyed (if I showed an interest in a particular doll, it would immediately disappear) would ensue. If my basic needs were allowed to show, I soon found myself without the basic necessities: food, sleep, even water in the heat of summer. I was not like other kids, although my parents were richer than most. If I needed new clothes, I simply could not ask for them, instead wearing the most horrendous, torn, hand-me-downs imaginable, while my mother spent a fortune on her own clothing. While everyone else in the family struggled to keep their weight down, I struggled to stay at a normal weight, becoming thinner and thinner nonetheless.

If I needed money for school activities, or a ride to activities, I simply did not join as I knew the futility of asking or needing anything. So I learned to live without a "soul" as the physical being can go on indefinitely without the little things, while the "soul" needs more emotional nourishment. Food, sleep, clothing, and activities, are physical needs with emotional overtones, and while living without the necessities is difficult, the lack of a "soul", or any real connection with the emotions, makes it all possible; even perhaps bearable.

I've overcome many difficulties in my life. I've overcome the abuse, I've learned to live with the night terrors and I've learned to be patient and kind towards others. I've learned to be the life of the party (even in high school, I was the prom queen, and dated the quarterback of our famous football team). I went to all the "right" parties, was accepted by everyone from the "nerds" to the "stuck-ups", as I developed some type of universal appeal that is still apparent even now. I make friends now effortlessly, and am extremely popular. Everyone remembers me at all times, and they are always pleased to see me (although if the truth is told, I only "pretend" to remember them when I meet them). I save my emotions for only those that I feel I can trust somewhat. A chosen few that honestly don't know they are a "chosen few".

I'm still enormously popular, enormously successful, and unfortunately still enormously disconnected. I feel like I've lost something, and I have: my soul. It's the spiritual, emotional side of individuals that helps them stay connected with others. It's the side that allows them to invest in others, to take risks in loving and being dependent on others. It's the side that cries at movies, that laughs at childish antics, that swells with pride at accomplishments, and that looks forward to a night out with friends or a visit from family. I've learned to live with all my other symptoms and idiosyncratic behaviors that are a result of my childhood. I have not learned yet to live without my "soul" as I still yearn for one. If you see it anywhere, please send it to me. I've been waiting for it way too long!